On A Sidewalk to Nowhere
A Head Full of Doubt and a Road Full of Promise
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Commitment and Friendship
It occurs to me that I don’t necessarily approach friendship like everyone else. This thought occurred while I was writing my previous post about intentional friendship. I don’t think of friendship just as a placeholder. I don’t think of it as chatter to fill up the vacant places in your life, or something you do because it’s convenient.
I more or less approach friendship in the same way most people approach romantic relationships. Actually, I’m probably far more serious about my friends than many are about their significant others.
I once had a friend tell me that she admired the loyalty I have toward my friends, but until that time I hadn’t noticed that tendency within myself. It is true, however. Once you are my friend, you take up a huge importance to me. I will do whatever I can to help you, to make your life better. I’ll talk to you, and pray for you, and buy you lunch when I have the money. My friends are invaluable to me, and I love being able to walk through life supporting each other, and laughing and crying with each other.
I lose very few friends over time, but once I have parted ways with a close friend, I almost never revisit that relationship. Friendship is a huge priority, so if I let a friendship slip away, that person has almost always done something to hurt me in an irreparable way. I seriously love my friends, and while I approach our time together with lightness, I take the structure of our relationship quite seriously.
I am very thankful for the group of friends I have maintained, basically since Elementary School, who have groomed and polished these qualities in me. They have given me the intentionality, knowledge, and sense of connection to make amazing friends far beyond high school, and I expect that many of these connections will last for much, if not all of the rest of my life.
I think that the beautiful thing about friendship is that friends cause you to be who you are. Good friends help polish away all your bad places, they encourage you and support you and make you better, and I absolutely believe that it is because of the amazing people in my life that I have developed such appreciation and loyalty in regard to my friends. So, thank you, all friends who are reading this, near and far, for making me a far better person than I could be on my own.
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Excerpt II
I have a friend who I like to fbook chat with, who pretty much is like the best therapist ever, because I always have little breakthroughs/stunning realizations when I talk to her.
Here are some excerpts from our conversation tonight (my side only):
You know what’s weird?
And I think I should probs post a blog about this.
I feel like I am at least a couple guys’ backup plan….Like, they talk to me when things are rough with their girlfriends, or they just broke up with someone. Like, trying to feel me out, more or less. Does that make any sense?….
But, I think that I make myself open to it.
Because I get attention without having the pressure of being in an actual relationship….
Sometimes I feel like my convos with you are like mini therapy sessions. I just had a breakthrough….
(She asked me what it was)
That I realize that boys make me plan b because I allow them to.
I don’t friend zone boys who are in relationships with other girls, unless they friend zone me first. Because it’s an easy flirtation, with little to no pressure because I know at the end of the day, they’re going to stay in the relationship. And, so I get attention. But, I don’t have to deal with the trappings of a relationship.
And I get to continue to be a commitment-phobe.
Let’s review: I have issues.
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Boobs
Today I had a conversation with my dear friend Sara. This is an excerpt from my end:
Also, one time a guy told me he didn’t like girls with Big boobs, and it was at that precise moment that I knew things would never work between us.
If you like me, you are supposed to love my boobs.
Because I love my boobs.
And boys should REALLY love my boobs.Moral of the story: it is my firm belief that whoever I eventually get married to should (and will) love my boobs.
That is all.
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7575.) Flirtationship: more than a friendship, less than a relationship.
Glad I finally have a name for this.
(Source: blogconfession)
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My favorite part of this is, “Are you tired of only being a brother in Christ?”
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Dear Future Husband,
I’ve never had a valentine.
When we get married, I want to send Valentine’s Cards to all the people we love.
It’s a nice alternative to Christmas cards, don’t you think?
(And with my penchant for procrastination, if I start after Thanksgiving, I might actually get them done in time.)Love,
AM -
This made me laugh.
Because it’s true.
Let’s be honest. -
Day 28 - A Song that Makes You Feel Guilty
“Ghost,” Indigo GirlsI don’t know if “guilty” is the right word, but this song definitely makes me feel sad. It reminds me of a person who is no longer my friend, and the frustrating, angry situations which culminated in the termination of that friendship.
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Interpersonal Relations Are Confusing
This guy in one of my classes asked me for my number a while back because he was confused about a project, and wanted to call me to ask me about it. So, he called me that week to discuss our project, and has called me every week since to discuss our various projects. And now he has progressed to just calling me randomly to talk.
I mean, I don’t feel like there is flirting going on or anything, but I am painfully oblivious to that sort of thing, and so I kind of feel like this is the sort of situation where I’m supposed to notice what’s going on, but I don’t. So maybe there is, and I don’t know.
So, really, it’s not that the opposite sex is confusing so much as we live in a society wherein it’s inappropriate and unattractive to be forthright, and I am a person who is oblivious to romantic signals, and therefore ill-equipped to deal with interpersonal relations.
Seriously. Why can’t we all just say what we mean? Would it be so bad if we all just walked up to each other and said, “Hi. You’re cute. I want to make out with your face.” ? I think not.
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Independent
Tonight, I had a long conversation with my (step)sister (B) about her recent break-up with her boyfriend (R). (I’m using their initials, because, personally, I wouldn’t want someone writing things about my personal life on the internet.) They had recently gone to Guatemala to work in an orphanage for four months, and shortly after they came back he broke up with her. B has decided to seek counseling because that, in combination with other things going on in her life, and the life of our family, has put her in a really bad place.
Today, she was talking with her counselor about the circumstances surrounding their break-up, and surrounding her history of romantic relationships. B is having trouble more or less figuring out who she is without R. The counselor asked B what she used to do before she was dating R, and she said that she didn’t do anything that would not be considered destructive behavior. She didn’t have any passions, or any dreams that weren’t related to him.
Part of the reason that B and I were talking about this, and why we have had an ongoing dialogue about the end of their relationship is because I am hardwired so differently than she is. I am SUPER independent. I don’t rely on other people very much, and I don’t think that I should. I’ve always been a tomboy, I’ve always wanted to do things on my own, and I’ve never ascribed to the idea of being defined by, or even wholly attached to another person. I am a big proponent of a quote by Elizabeth Gilbert which says, “I was not rescued by a prince; I was the administrator of my own rescue.” The idea of independence has always been liberating to me, and not frightening. But I realize now that not all people feel that way.
This post is becoming sort of rambling, but what I really want to say in all this, is that I am SO grateful for the way God wired me, and the way my parents shaped me. I have always been encouraged to be a smart, free-thinking, adventurous, focused person. I have been taught to dream about things that I want to do, and then to go out and do them to the best of my abilities. I have been urged to manage my time, money, and resources wisely, so that I might be able to pursue my passions without the assistance of others. I have been taught to ask questions, to never stop learning, to embrace the things that I love.
I am so thankful that I have been blessed with independence. I am so thankful that I have the confidence to wait for the person who God has provided for me, and not to settle, or force myself into a mold that doesn’t quite fit. My sister is amazing, and I admit that at times, I have been jealous of the ease that she exhibits with her boyfriends, and the happiness that she has found in relationships. But ultimately, knowing what now know, I am so grateful that God has made me the way I am. I am so thankful for parents who don’t pressure me to fit into a very specific ideal of who they think they should be. And I am thankful for the confidence to be independent, and to be myself.
"I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page concurrently."
- Donald Miller
