On A Sidewalk to Nowhere

1
Nov 16

Life Plans

I have many, many things that I want to do in my life. There are so many things that I want to see, so many places I want to go, so many things I need to experience. I have a very long “life list” of things that I really want to do before I die. Things like writing a book, starring in a children’s television program, getting married, building my dream house, designing a fashion line. And, call me naïve, but I fully expect to do any and all of the things that I want to do.

But, as far as shorter term (5-10 year) goals, career goals, etc., I feel like it’s important for me to have some sort of plan. I may or may not adhere to the plan, but it makes me feel more stable, more grounded, and more focused to have specific ideas for the future. Otherwise, I feel like I am going to school and going to work for no reason.

After I finish my associate’s degree (this academic year, fingers crossed), I’m planning to transfer to North Georgia. There’s also a small possibility that I might opt for Kennesaw. I’m going to be double majoring in Art (Concentration in Photography) and English.

When I graduate with my bachelor’s degree, I want to work on a cruise ship for a year or so (maybe more), preferably as a photographer. I love my job at a hotel, and I feel like it’s something that I’m really good at. Cruise ships definitely share the hospitality element with hotels, so it will be nice to go into a field wherein I have some experience. And, by working as a photographer, I’ll also be utilizing my degree.

Once I feel ready to move on from that season, hopefully I’ll have some money saved, and will be able to go back to school to get my master’s degree, probably either a MFA in Art, or a MAEd in Art Education. I’d also consider a master’s program in photojournalism or creative writing.

After that, plan A is to teach on a college level, but I’d consider other avenues that would make use of my master’s program. I’d also consider working in the hospitality industry in some capacity, because I really enjoy it, but I would prefer the former, just so I don’t feel like my degree programs are a waste of time or poor decisions.

So that’s pretty much it. I imagine things will change, because they always have, and always will. But, it feels good to be able to put it out there, to put some semblance of a map in front of me, knowing that I can veer off course and still find my way if necessary.

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Feb 22

Life Plans Part One (A conversation between Kels and I)

Me:
I'm craving some Jin's salad. Can you please mail me some?
Kelsey:
How about you just come here and eat some with me?
Me:
Um. Unlikely. I work tomorrow. School Thursday. Work Friday and Saturday. This is why I need delivery.
Kelsey:
Psh. You should skip all that.
Me:
You're turning into me. But unfortunately I can't. I need by job. Unless you want to start paying my bills for me? Or you know a multimillionaire I can marry?
Kelsey:
I'm on finding the rich husband. Do you mind sharing?
Me:
Nope. I'm totally on board with polygamy. Let's be sister wives.
Kelsey:
Woop woop! And then maybe we'll get a show and MORE MONEY!
Me:
Perfect life plan, here we come!!!

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3
Feb 22

Life Plans Part Two (A conversation between me and Sara.)

Me:
When I grow up, I want to be the barefoot contessa. I want to live in the Hamptons, and have my gay bffs over for lunch every day and have a giant herb garden and a sweet husband and no kids.
Sara:
woah that is pretty ace
Me:
I know, right? I need to know how she got that awesome gig. I could totally be her. I just wikipediaed her, and apparently, she used to be a whitehouse policy analyst.
Sara:
you are her
Me:
Sweet. I'm looking forward to my life in the hamptons. She is totally way cool.
Sara:
she looks like a boss lady
Me:
I agree. I am going to be her when I grow up.
Sara:
i could totes see that!
Me:
Awesome. I'm glad you're on board. You can be one of my famous party guests on my cooking show.
Sara:
YES. today we are going to make waffles with sara gosling....
Me:
Perfect! My dear friend Sara has come for the weekend while her husband is out shooting on location.

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Mar 16

Dear Future Husband,

I’ve never had a valentine.
When we get married, I want to send Valentine’s Cards to all the people we love.
It’s a nice alternative to Christmas cards, don’t you think?
(And with my penchant for procrastination, if I start after Thanksgiving, I might actually get them done in time.)

Love,
AM

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2
May 16

I want to be Amy Poehler when I grow up.

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5
Jul 11

Eff You, World; I do what I want!

Tonight I was talking with my sister about the societal pressures associated with graduating from college, and all the significant life steps that often follow graduating, including marriage, buying a house, having kids, etc. She’s 28 and about 6 months from graduating, I’m 21 and about 2-2.5 years from doing so, and we both currently live with my dad and her mom.

I told her that the majority of my friends with whom I started college have recently graduated, and are moving on to the next steps in their lives. A couple friends got or are getting married, one close friend is due to have a baby this fall, several friends are moving on to graduate school, and most of the remainder are moving onto “real” jobs that hopefully fall into their field of study. I’m doing none of these things, and neither is my sister. I’m contented living at home, at least until I graduate and have a full time job, so that I’m more financially stable. She, on the other hand, has only lived here sporadically, and is ready to move out again, mostly because she feels that, as a 28 year old woman, she should not be living with her parents. But both of us feel the same intense inadequacy for not meeting getting to these major life checkpoints in the same timely manner as our peers.

At some point in our conversation, I said to her, that I feel that even though it has taken her a significant amount of time to finish her college degree, it doesn’t seem like she is affected by the societal pressures which deem that she should be in a different life-stage than she currently is. I said, “It seems like you’re just like, ‘Eff you, world; I do what I want!’” She responded that she feels like I exemplify this attitude to a much greater extent than she does. And really, neither of us actually feels like that on the inside.

For all of the confidence and status quo negation and free-spiritedness that we both have on the outside, both of us are frustrated and sad, and we feel like we are letting down people who care about us. But both of us are trying with all our might to prevent that from showing.

I’ve said before that my policy in regards to confidence and happiness is “Fake it until you make it,” and I think that is true. But tonight, our conversation seemed to confirm what I have long suspected, which is that most of us in the world are in fact faking it.

I think we’re all afraid that we’re disappointing someone, even if that someone is ourselves. We are all broken and we are all flawed, but we try very hard to cover up those cracks in order to seem like a better person: brighter, shinier, prettier, happier, more confident than we are. We’re all running so hard and so fast to escape the disappointment of a life that is not what we expected it would be. I know I am. I thought that by now I would be graduated, working in a great job, ready to settle down and start the next chapter of my life. But, I am none of those things.

However, I think that if I, and I think that if we all really looked around us, at the things that we have, the joys that we have experienced, the things that we have learned, and the places we still have left to go, we might realize that we are pretty happy, and that our life is pretty good. Our jobs and our dysfunctional families and our crazy friends and our often nonexistent love lives aren’t really all that terrible, and sometimes, they’re even pretty awesome. And we might have been happy all this time if we stopped trying to meet arbitrary expectations and just enjoyed the journey we are taking.

I think that is an important thing for me, in particular to remember. I wouldn’t want to change the person I’ve become, or let go of the things that I’ve learned because of the path that I’ve taken. It’s been wrought with points of great struggle, but also points of overwhelming beauty. My life might not turn out the way I thought it would, but it’s pretty great so far, anyway.

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5
Jul 29

Me, Anne Jackson, Kickstarter, and You

When I was 19 years old, I met a girl named Anne Jackson. At the time, I was in a college that I hated, and working at a job that I was kind of starting to hate also. I was very stressed, I was very sad, and I was starting to realize that I really had no idea what to do with my life. I had always had very specific plans and ideas for my life, and those were quickly crumbling.

In the middle of all the chaos that was building up within me, I went to see a panel of Christian bloggers speak as part of Catalyst Atlanta. I had never heard of Anne before that night, but hearing her speak changed me. I remember listening to her speak about her experience with depression, and thinking, “That is exactly how I feel. That is exactly what is going on within me.”

As Anne spoke that night, I sat in a room full of strangers and wept. No one had ever before pinpointed my feelings so precisely. Further, no one had ever articulated to me that it was okay for me to have those feelings. In one evening, she removed the stigma that I had placed upon myself for not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps, the way I felt that I should. I believe that hearing her speak gave me impetus to change my trajectory. I sought out a therapist (though I didn’t ultimately see her very long) and changed my major; and when the timing was right, I quit my job and found a new school to attend.

After the three panelists spoke that night, there was a time of prayer, and the audience was given the opportunity to pray with the panelists and several other leaders that were part of the service. Having been moved so deeply by Anne’s words, I walked down the aisle, and asked if she would pray with me. We talked for a few minutes first, and I told her about my life, my school, my job, my volunteer work. I told her that almost every morning, I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I told her that she had put into words so many things that I wanted to say. Then, she prayed for me. While I don’t remember the words that she prayed, I remember feeling a sense of solace, knowing that I was no longer alone in my struggle.

That was about two years ago, and since that time, I haven’t had the opportunity to talk with Anne again, but I have read her books and her blog, been encouraged by her, and cried with her. Although I don’t know her personally, I feel like she is my friend. She was there for me, praying for me and comforting me when I was in a somber place in my life, and now, I have the opportunity to be there for her.

The last few months have been rocky ones for Anne, and after an absence from vocational writing and speaking, she is now raising money so that she can return to the vocation through which she has been able to touch people like me. She’s raising this money through a Kickstarter campaign, which you can donate to here, and I would love it if you would do so. Anne’s words have been pivotal to my journey, and I believe that she should have the opportunity to continue to create them. Thank you so much if you decide to donate. I believe that you are giving Anne the opportunity to continue to help change lives, in the same way she has helped me change mine.

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(Source: whereisthecoool)

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20
Sep 22

2200

I have over 2200 words of posts sitting in my drafts. But I feel that all of those posts are either too boring to post, or too unfinished, and I don’t know what to do with them. Many writers have said that one of the most important parts of writing is knowing when to edit yourself, and I think those 10+ posts sitting in my drafts are an example of me doing that. So hopefully somewhere in the big pile of words I’m not going to publish, there’s the potential for me to write something legitimate someday. And I think that probably, the more that I write, and the more that I realize what really sucks, and what just sort of sucks, and what is actually pretty good, the closer I get to that point. Here’s hoping, anyway.

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10
Jan 29

I Guess This Is Growing Up

I often have feelings of inadequacy. I should have graduated college almost a year ago, but I have at least another year to go. I live with my parents. I do little else other than working, going to school, doing homework, and sleeping.

When I was 16, I thought 22 would be the ideal age. I would have graduated from college, and have a great job, and know exactly where my life was going. I was planning to be an awesome youth minister, to have a really cool boyfriend or fiance, and probably be living in Colorado. Now that I am 22, nothing could be further from the truth.

Today, I had to run to wal-mart for work. The cashier was one of my acquaintances from high school. We were never good friends, but we were in a lot of the same classes. She was (is) very smart, made excellent grades, and was generally the kind of person slated for a bright future.

We chatted while she was checking me out, and she’s working, getting her master’s degree because she can’t do anything with her bachelor’s degree, and generally in a pretty similar life place to me. She encouraged me to stay in my undergrad program as long as I can.

While we were talking, I realized that even though I often feel inadequate, I am totally unduly projecting the idea that I am not good enough onto myself. Almost no one with whom I graduated from high school actually has their whole life together, and further, the people with whom I started college aren’t faring much better out in the world. We’re all still drifting, trying to figure out where we fit, and who we are going to be. Everybody else is in almost exactly the same place that I am, and everybody probably feels the same strange mix of hope and frustration that I do.

I guess this is what 22 is supposed to feel like. Anticipation for the future, confusion about the present, a lack of knowledge about what will become of careers and relationships and just about everything else. Based on the mean, I still have 56 years, give or take, to live. (And considering I have great genes for longevity, probably more.) I’ve only been an adult for four years. I do not have to have everything figured out yet. And for that matter, I probably shouldn’t.

Often I have a desire to wrap up my longer blog posts in a tidy bow, and because I don’t really have one clear point here, I don’t have one singular thesis to wrap things up with. But I will say, at this moment, I’m glad to have a lot of change and growth and crazy new things ahead of me. Even if the very idea of not knowing what will come scares the living crap out of me.

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