On A Sidewalk to Nowhere
A Head Full of Doubt and a Road Full of Promise
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This is how I feel right now.
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Taumatizing
I watched this video a couple days ago on Jesus Needs New PR, and I literally found it so abhorrent that I had to not think about it for a couple of days before I could write about it. I am really troubled by this, because it’s actual content from abstinence-only curriculum.
Here’s the thing. I feel like I was scarred by my abstinence/purity/true love waits bible study curriculum in high school, and specifically by a study that we did my freshman year of high school. The study didn’t focus on the fact that we are all sexual beings and that someday, at the right time, and hopefully when we are married, we should get on that (pun intended); but instead made us feel dirty not (only) for having sex, but for kissing boys and having boobs.
I very clearly remember a whole lesson on being a “stumbling block,” after which I went home and gave away or threw away a ton of clothes, including, but not limited to v-neck t-shirts, tight-fitting pants, and shorts with a short hemline. I was a normal 14-year old girl, but I definitely had boobs, and I was already uncomfortable enough dealing with all the body issues that every 14-year old has, but this book made me hate my body, and feel like I was a bad person for dressing like any of my peers.
That bible study scared the crap out of me, even though I didn’t realize it then. It made me feel terrible for thinking about sex. (Thinking about it is just as bad as doing it.) And, it seriously stuck with me until I was in college, and is in fact, still impacting the way I think about myself. I feel like my life is rife with dichotomy because I cannot reconcile the good, religious, wholesome part of myself with any “bad” things I’ve done because there was never any room for grey area. Sex and religion are not and should not be thought of as mutually exclusive; and more importantly, 14-18 year old girls should not be taught that they will “lose their beauty and value” because they have sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
I’m certainly not advocating sex for teenagers. I am 21 now, and am still a virgin, and probably would be regardless of traumatizing bible studies, because I have a special combination of moral obligation, will power, and naivety that youth ministers probably dream about. And I’ve never loved someone enough to share that with them. However, I don’t think that teenagers should be scared or scarred by their curriculum. They should be taught how beautiful and valuable and awesome they are, that they should wait until the right time to have sex, but that no matter what they do, God will still love them.
It makes me sad for the girls who are going through those studies now, because seven years later, I am still dealing with the aftermath of mine. If I kiss a guy on the first date, does that make me a slut? If he gets to second base is it the same as having sex? If I go find my workbook from ninth grade in the top of my closet, and erase the line I drew (indicating what I would and would not do), is it okay if I cross it? And if I do cross it, is it okay if I still wear the cross around my neck?
I hope and pray that another generation of girls (and boys) is not affected in the same way that I was, but more than that, I hope that they are taught that love and grace and redemption are way more important than following rules about purity that are often arbitrary.
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Philosophies and Frustration
Sometimes I get really frustrated by the fact that I feel like I don’t share the political and religious beliefs of most people. Like, I feel like in a lot of cases, I can talk with people about one or the other, but not both.
I’m pretty moderate politically. My mom tells me I’m a bleeding-heart liberal, but I think it’s mostly because we live in the rural south, so everything has an excessively conservative slant. But, there are conservative issues I support, and liberal issues I support, and I think I am balanced pretty equally between them.
I also consider myself to be a very religious person, but I don’t attend church on a regular basis. While I was working at churches, I was becoming increasingly frustrated of the politicking, bureaucracy, and people-pleasing that goes on in a lot of churches, and that’s not something I can get on board with. I also get frustrated that pastors can sometimes be put on a pedestal, and that their congregation can often tend to follow them blindly. I’m very much a questioner, and so the whole idea of sermons can be very disconcerting to me. I would much prefer lessons at church to be similar to a college lecture, wherein questions are welcomed and encouraged.
Anyway, my point is that I wish that I had a couple of close friends that shared my distaste for organized religion, love for Jesus, and belief that gay people should be able to get married and abortions shouldn’t happen if at all possible.
I mean, I realize that I am kind of dichotomous in my beliefs, but dichotomy tends to be a theme in many areas of my life, and as such, I would just like to be able to share that with similarly minded people.
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The emphasis on standardized testing […] has forced teachers to spend more of the school day engaged in so-called direct instruction and has substantially reduced or eliminated opportunities that children have for exploring, interacting, and learning on their own. Recess has, in many districts, vanished from the schedule entirely. After school, parents shuttle their kids from activity to activity, depriving them of unstructured time alone or with friends. That matters […] not just because play reduces stress and makes children more socially competent. It matters also because play supposedly improves working memory and self-regulation; in other words, it makes kids sharper and better-behaved. So, ironically, by shortchanging them on play in favor of academics, we may actually be inhibiting their development.
The Case for Play – important new research from Columbia University and MIT. Essential companion read, out this season: A New Culture of Learning. (via curiositycounts)
I wish more people were aware of this conundrum. And I wish more people were better parents. And I wish I was (and hope to someday be) capable of changing the education system.
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I love Things Organized Neatly, but this picture drives me crazy, because you are supposed to jack up the car BEFORE you take the lug nuts off. Seriously. I say this as a very experienced tire-changer who can do it correctly in less than 17 minutes.
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Compulsory education is not a mistake because school is a bad thing. Compulsory education is a mistake because school is a bad thing for some people. Compulsory education is a mistake because it steals–and I am perfectly aware that “steals” is a strong word–over half a decade of the life of every human in our culture, with neither their input nor consent.
I feel like I’m constantly raging against the education machine. But suffice it to say that I VERY strongly believe that one-size-fits-all education is terrible for a lot of children, and this is a really great example of why.
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Dear Tumblr,
Currently I am rather dissatisfied with your services. Here are a rundown of my current frustration:
- My follower count keeps arbitrarily jumping around. It will show a higher number, then not show the new people who are following me. Or vice versa.
- It doesn’t show up in my dashboard when people reply to/like/reblog my posts.
- When I look at the tumblog view of my blog (i.e. my entire blog in dashboard-like view) everything is out of order.
- Also, just as a sidenote, I have disqus embedded into my blog for people who don’t use tumblr, primarily, but I would love to see tumblr come up with a better, interactive reply/commenting system.
If you could possibly help me be less confused about these issues, and primarily the issues concerning with communication with others via tumblr, that would be awesome.
Love,
Amanda Mae -
Frustration and Apologies
Here’s the deal:
I try to avoid being negative if at all possible. But I am going to be for just a second. This is a space wherein I can vent occasionally, and I need to do that in this moment.I cannot stand it when someone tries to guilt trip me into apologizing to them. I AM NOT SORRY. And if I was sorry, I would have indicated it with my words.
I am fairly quick to apologize. I try to be very proactive in apologizing if I believe that it’s possible at all that I am in the wrong. I don’t need to be proud about it. I’m okay with saying that something is my fault and apologizing accordingly.
However. I will not apologize if I am not sorry. I will not be guilt tripped into conceding to someone else’s expectations.
I will not apologize if I don’t have time to hang out with someone. I work and I go to school, and I don’t have time for a lot of extra things. It’s just life. I will not apologize for writing something someone didn’t want to read or was offended by. I am pretty choosy with things that I let others see, so if I wrote it, and I put it in a public place, chances are, I don’t care about any response. I will not apologize for not living up to someone else’s expectations of me. I’ve come to accept myself after a long time of not doing so. I will not allow someone else to undermine that progress. I will not apologize for my appearance. I will not apologize for not wearing makeup and I will not apologize for wearing a size 14. I am an average-sized person, even if a BMI chart says otherwise. God made me in his image, and I will not apologize for his handiwork. And lastly, I will not apologize because someone else feels bad about his or her life. I love to help. I love to be hospitable. I love to be able to assist people in anyway that I can. But it is not my responsibility to make sure everyone has an excellent day every day of their life.
Thank you. That is all.
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Dear Self,
Stop over-analyzing every second of your life.
It is not helpful.
Ever.Love,
Amanda Mae
"I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page concurrently."
- Donald Miller
