On A Sidewalk to Nowhere
A Head Full of Doubt and a Road Full of Promise
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Drag Me Through
I am excellent at dealing with huge tragedies. I rarely experience my own emotion in the moment, and am usually only swayed when other people are hurting, which hurts me. But, I will pick up the pieces. And I will patiently glue them together the best that I can. I will push through pain and sadness and loss, and give hugs and make cookies and make lists, and be the pillar of strength that I am needed to be.
Unfortunately, on the other end of the spectrum, I am terrible at dealing with small sadnesses and losses. I break something; I lock my keys in my car; I fail in some area; a character on TV or in a book dies; I get criticised by my boss, a customer, or one of my parents; I see something terrible on the news; I make a mistake; any of these could possibly leave me weepign, and probably moping for the rest of the day. I just can’t handle little disappointments. They overwhelm me with sadness.
I think it’s probably easier for me to deal with things in this manner. I start crying because I broke an old Christmas tree ornament, but I end up crying because my cousin died, and I miss him. I start crying because I have the flu and I feel terrible, and I end up crying because my parents got divorced 11 years ago. So, I have 52 breakdowns a year, and then when something really tragic happens, I can be calm, and stable, and drag everyone through the mess, so that they can keep dragging me through the rest of my life.
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This paint is still wet.
Usually, I don’t turn to painting to quell my emotions.
Usually, I prefer calm, precise strokes.
But, tonight I needed to feel the meditative properties of painting.This has been an intense week for me.
And it has culminated in some intense conversations that were probably long past due for me.
I finally opened up the vault and took out some secrets I had been keeping for years.
And because I have shared them, I no longer have to carry them alone.
There are many other things still within me, but for now I am grateful for being able to share a piece of myself with someone who was willing to patiently, and gracefully listen.This painting is not my best work.
This is not a style of painting I usually attempt.
Usually, I wait until paint is dry, and don’t smear it around aimlessly.
Usually, I am precise.One day, I may paint over it. But tonight it was just what I needed.
The paint which calmed my spirit when things became too loud. -
Sad/Serious
I try to avoid talking about sad things here.
I get really frustrated when people use their entire blogs talking about how terrible their lives are.
I tend to be of the mindset that if all you do is talk about how terrible your life is, it probably won’t improve.My life is not terrible.
My life is amazing.However, I’m trying to be more intentional, direct, and open about sharing my feelings.
I am not someone to whom those things come easily.
I am guarded.
But I believe that I do not have to be.
And I believe that if I can do the work to be vulnerable and open, to actually feel my feelings, I will be better for it.So I just want to put it out there.
I have a few things in my drafts/queue that are sad or serious or both.
I have a few more things that are still only in my head.
I’m going to start publishing these thoughts occasionally.
I think that, in order to improve, I need to be authentic about all the parts of myself, and all the things going on within me.I promise to not always be sad, and I promise to be more honest if I am.
My life is awesome.
It is messy.
It is overwhelming.
It is beautiful.
And I appreciate all of you reading this, friends both from real life and solely from the internet, for bearing with me as I learn to embrace all the ups and downs of life. -
Multimedia Feelings
I wish that instead of actually having to talk to people about my feelings, I could just email them a multimedia presentation. I’d write some things, maybe embed some music (like this song, or this one), include some art I had made to commemorate the situation, and just generally make it a more expressive and fun experience, without going to the trouble and frustration of actually having to talk to people.
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My life.
(Source: gingerhaze)
"I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page concurrently."
- Donald Miller
